I give up!
WOW...its so sad that ppl I dont even know still know im a total WEAK FAT ASS LOSER! Its going to be nothing but purging for the next lil' while...even if its water it makes me feel like im doing something productive...  : /  

: /
I feel like my brain is going to EXPLODE!!!! Running this shop has started to tear my family apart... Everyone is always stressed and AGRO! No one seems to be getting along or communicating. So in turn things are getting put on the back burner or ignored and, the stress is piling up! Stress is my number one enemy for losing weight! I Also havent been getting any good sleep lately and I know thats not going to help the weight loss. I could REALLLLLY use a support buddy to talk to through out the day. By texting or what not. If anyone is interested, let me know! We can exchange numbers.


Today has been an all together retched day! It seemed like just about anything that could go wrong, did! Then on top of everything I get this huge rush and as im helping one customer the lady behind, lets just  all her BITCH, starting saying over and over "Your POPPIN', your POPPIN'!!!" and Im lookin around trying to figure out what the holy fuck she was talking about and she says it again and add's "Oh, sorry. We're in the medical field". I very nicely say "Im sorry I dont know what your talking about about." She gets this huge smile and says "Your poppin', ya know, YOUR PREGNANT!" WHAT THE FUCK?!?!!? No sorry BITCH im MOST DEFINITELY NOT PREGNANT!!!! Who the fuck says that??? Im like "Nope sorry, not pregnant, just FAT! Thanks for bringing my attention to that fact for the millionth time today!!!!! "  Even if you think someones pregnant, YOU DONT SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Cuz you look like an ass when THEIR NOT PREGNANT! Im not even going to  eat the rest of my skinny yogurt today.... It was sooooooo fucking embarrassing.

See no evil, Smell no evil, Eat no evil....
This last week was so fricking hectic. It seemed like I didnt get one moment to my self. The shop was soooo busy, which is great for the business, but tiring for me. It is also FABULOUS that I have lost more weight this week! Im down 11.5 lbs!!!! YAY! I dont see a difference in my body which is just sad, but seeing a difference in the scale is FIIIINE by me! I have been living off of coffee and a million sugar free Red bull's a day, every now and again Ill have a 60 cal. fat free yogurt, or a half cup of Special K. Even tho the Red bull's have like 15 cals. in them, I still have to drink at least six a day to keep myself GO GO GO-ING. So I try to limit everything else. Out of all the days last week, yesterday was THE WORST! Like every other Sunday for as long as I can remember we had a bunch of family and friends over for a big ass cal. packed dinner which on its own is annoying! But my "Friend" came over like usual, And like usual she was in a rotten ass mood. She has an amazing GF and Ii adore her! But My friend acts like a lazy spoiled brat when shes around! Shes always been the kind of person who will do as little work as possible, but she used to ATLEAST help do the dishes, or clear the table. Not now!!!! She just sits around picking her ass! Leaning on her GF and just watching us all clean up. HELLOOOO! We just cooked dinner for you, set the table for you, made dessert for you, and now we have to clean up for you? WTF!!!??? I even gave her shit about not helping and she didnt even blink! So on top of all that SHIT she looks over at me from the table while I dump my full plate into the sink and says, as loud as she can, "HEY Do you have any size SIX jeans I could barrow? Im losing so much weight none of my clothes are fitting".....I just gave her a long hard "Death" look. WHAT THE HOLY FUCK!!!!??? She knows how hard a time I have had losing weight since I got on my new meds and lost my job and she KNOWS how fucking frustrating this it has been for me! And she also knows that I am back into my old grove with ana and mia!!! But she just doesnt give a fuck! Who does that? Friend MY ASS!!!! Bitch. Yes thats right! That was soooo low! It hit me right in the gut, and twisted it into knots...and they wont release until I lose at least another 5 lbs. by the end of the week...I cant be fat, I wont be weak, I must be thin. I am Stronger then YOU!!!! I am Stronger then FOOD!!!! 

Oh Memories....
I just Posted a couple pictures. My own Personal Thinspo. Its a really weird feeling looking at those pics of me...They are what I want to achieve, and maintain. They make me sad...knowing that Im not that anymore, But they also make me excited...and Hopefull...Knowing that I can be that again!

: x
Is it REALLY only 2:30 in the afternoon?!!!! : / These days are to loooong! I feel Like every minute is and hour...When I started my job I thought that Having 8 Hours off in the afternoon would be awesome! So I could  Nap, Workout, Get on the net, Avoid Dinner, ect.ichanged my mind...All that shit only consumes like 3 hours...Then I have another FIVE hours to stand around staring at myself in the mirror. I really need to get some friends to spend the afternoons with! Oh yea that would be SWEET! We could walk bare foot in the downtown Park, While sippin' on Iced Coffee, and pointing at SKINNY Beauty's we want to be like! WOW! I reeeeeally need a social LIFE! hahaha

Day Eight

BLAH! Everyday seems to take forever, and a second at the same time. Its Been over a week, and the damn scale wont budge!!! I don't understand! A year ago, I would just think about not eating, or losing weight, and it would happen! Maybe not drastically at first, but it was NEVER this hard before! I feel like My Own Body is sabotaging itself! Ive been trying to survive on Tons of Coffee with a lil Skim Milk, mini carrots and 1/2 c. Of Special K in the AM to take my meds with...And before that would have been no problem, I could have survived on the coffee ALONE for a week. But now its like I have NUMEROUS Dizzy spells, which I could ignore, if they were just Hunger Dizzy spells. But these seems to last forever! I work 12 hours a day in a coffee shop, and i cant very well be dizzy the whole time! Its SOOOO frustrating! : ( I should have lost 5-8lbs by now with all the exercise, and i havent lost an ounce. I reeeeeeally need to find a way to get around this, and the mind numbing headaches, if anyone has any ideas, then I am ALL ears!


Day two...

Today is Day two, of yet another quest for my perfect weight. This is THE MOST I have weighed since I started obsessing about my weight at 15. I could ALWAYS manage to weigh 120lbs. Sometimes I go a bit over that, and when I was 19 (Im now 22), I was lucky enough to drop down to 97 for a year. I honestly NEVER thought that I would ever get back up to my current weight...  I just didnt see how it was possible! Six months ago, I lost my job (which consisted of walking around downtown for 8 1/2 hours a day, up and down hills) and got really sick. My blood sugar was completely out of whack, and My Fibromyalsia was Having HUGE flares. So I consumed Large amounts of sugar to keep my crazy blood sugar from knocking me out, and I was in to much pain to do anything but curl up in a ball for 3 months. 
 A month ago I got the perfect job for me, with THE BEST shift ever ( I work from 5am-11:30am then I have a break from 11:30am until 4:00pm when I go back in at stay til' 10:00pm) So I spend those dreaded "BREAKFAST LUNCH AND DINNER" hours by myself at work, with no one there to question what I am consuming. Now that my pain has subsided for the most part, I knew it was time to get my FAT LAZY ASS back on the noble track to my perfect weight : )
Ive decided to start a LiveJournal so that I have a place to go and vent, and to give and get support. I hope to find some people to share all this shit with.
It takes ALL the power I have in me to post my true stats. But I figure by posting my real weight, then when I get to my final goal the difference will be very noticeable. I am DEFINATELY disgusted with the following, so please forgive it.

Height: 5'3"
Weight:153lbs: (

Short Term Goal: 130 lbs
Long Term Goal: 113 lbs(THAT IS OF COURSE, UNTIL I AM 113 LBS.!)

Id need to hit my short term goal before June, When  I go to visit my Brother in MCRD San Diego.
Please feel free to contact me if you need to vent, or just want to talk. The more support, the BETTER right? : )


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